Week Beginning: Monday, May 2nd
Starting Weight: 343.4
Current Weight: I have no damn idea. I’m fighting with my scale and would like to smash it against the wall. (Read more below)
Weekly Low Point: I went out to brunch and thought I made a smart choice; my stomach didn’t agree and I ended up mad sick for like six hours. More later…
Weekly High Point: I ate a Magnum Mini ice cream bar and nearly passed out with excitement. That’s weird, right?
This was a week of big lessons for me. In case you read no further, I can summarize it for you with these three major takeaways.
- Dear Jedi / Blake, You were right. I saw the pics and I was definitely not squatting low enough. Mmmmmmsorry about that.
- Dear Stomach, It’s clear I’ve been putting nice, clean food in you for the last few weeks… but did you have to revolt so majorly when went out to brunch? I asked them to cook without butter. I tried, stomach, I really tried. #ugh
- Dear Self, This week your schedule was not your own and you feel bad because you couldn’t be as precise as you wanted to be with your food intake. You still did really well so…. calm the eff down.
Ok. Ready for more?
Here’s the thing, I can be a bit of a tight ass. Let me clarify, I’m not stuck up or prissy but, sometimes, I can be a rigid person when it comes to my own self-discipline. I have a very finite idea of what is “right” and what is “wrong” and I have this really rational need to be correct and good. I tend to run with the “go big or go home” theory which means, when it comes to the pressure I put on myself it can be intense. I’m sure I’ll have to work on this another time because, honestly, that level of self-imposed perfection is totally unattainable and not healthy to live in. That being said, admitting that sets the tone for what this week was like.
Let me start by saying I’m a bit of a Lone Wold. I have so many wonderful friends but they tend to be scattered across the country and, even with the ones I have in LA I’m still someone who does most things by herself. I’m an only child and I was raised to be comfortable with my own company, to be self-sufficient and to be peaceful being alone. Now, this all works REALLY well when you are trying to be disciplined with your nutritional intake. You can set your own schedule and adapt your life to fit your own specific needs. It doesn’t work so much when… well, other people are around. LOL.
Unrealistic? Yes. Obviously the only way to have long term success while adapting to ANY new habits is to know how to handle them within the greater context of life.
This week my dad came to town. It was exceptionally special to have him around and I am so grateful he was here. That being said, I had a difficult time adjusting to adapting my new eating habits to the presence of another. Eating meals out is a new and kinda challenging thing for me. For now, while I get my “sea legs” as to better understanding and being aware as to the foods I’m eating, it helps me to go places with the food is more simple and clear. This way, I can better calculate the macronutrients and be educated as to what I’m eating. Eating at home obviously gives me maximum control. Out of the house? Not so much.
My dad was a real sport. In addition to helping me paint a wall and hanging shelves in my “closet office” he willingly ate as many meals at home as possible without going crazy. We ended up eating out of the house once a day; I did my best to make solid choices and, of course, I logged all my food.
Until Saturday. Saturday, my dad and I met some dear people in my life for brunch. They chose the place. It didn’t even dawn on me to be active in the location selection. I looked up the menu in advance and… maybe kinda panicked a little bit. The food was not ideal for the choices I wanted to make but I figured I’d settle on some kind of a egg with a potato and beet hash. At the restaurant, I kindly said that I had a dietary restriction and please could they not add butter to my food and the waiter kindly agreed. I figured I was cool. In the clear. Ready, Freddy. Except… I was not. LORDY LORD my stomach rebelled and was not happy with me!
Which brings me to an issue that I know is going to keep coming up – how a journey to health affects ones ability to socialize. Last year, one evening I was ensconced in a hotel room with a longtime, beautiful and smart amazing friend of mine, M, on a business trip. M herself had been taking care of her health due to some medical stuff she was going through and I expressed to her my small, blossoming desire to become more healthy then. “Maybe I’ll blog about it?” I asked out loud. The moment I said that, she opened up her very personal feelings about how socially isolating it is when you are watching your food. I only experienced a tiny taste of that this week and, I’m sure I’ll get up close and personal with this idea more in the future but…. in my own small way I totally understood her.
When my Jedi shows up, I hear him first, chanting “Greater at foooorrrrrrrrttttyyyyyyy” like we’re at a college football game. I begin the session by calling him an Asshat.
Cue my workout this week. The Jedi and I are aiming for twice a week training sessions. Both our schedules were having a problem synching up so, my second workout was last week. I show up at the park, water in hand (cause, you know, last week I forgot mine and almost had a panic attack) and chill on the bench. When my Jedi shows up, I hear him first, chanting “Greater at foooorrrrrrrrttttyyyyyyy” like we’re at a college football game. I begin the session by calling him an Asshat. He then decides we’re going to walk a loop around the park. I want to kill him. The park loop looks like circumventing a small Mayan village and I do my best to walk with my short, squat strides and be able to chat and not die at the same time. To my joy, I am able to last the whole walk. Which, I know, really wasn’t that long at all but felt like eons to me. I had to stop real quick twice to give my back a break (ugggggghhhhh being fat suuuuuuuucks and hurts your back soooooooo bad!) but then kept on moving. From there we went on to bands, straps, baby pushups and… squats. Then we do this thing where he wraps a big elastic rubber band around a pole and tells me I’m going to yank it back while squatting. No problem.
The following happens. As illustrated in this fine photo.
Me: (assuming the position) Ok. I’m ready!
Jedi: You’re not squatting.
Me: I assure you I am.
Jedi: No, you’re not.
Me: Yes. I am. My knees are bent. Can’t you see?
Jedi: YOU’RE NOT SQUATTING DAMN YOU!
Me: YESS ASSHAT I’M SQUATTING SO BACK OFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!
Jedi: (Glaring at me. )
Ok. The last part didn’t really happen. But, I felt it inside.
I later saw a picture my dad had snapped of me on the low down (forgot to say that he came to the part to be supportive etc) where I was doing one of my super modified baby pushups. My initial reaction was to be frustrated and crestfallen… but after a few moments of thinking about things, I changed my tune.
All in all it was a good workout. I am grateful I feel so comfortable and supported by my trainer who is pretty body positive and never makes me feel stupid of ashamed of what my physical limitations are.
Oh, and before I go any farther I want to give a special shoutout to Rainbeau Curves for the killer workout plus size athletic wear! I’m wearing their compression yoga pants and these are the BOMB! I love them. I want to wear them all the time. Seriously.
I’m wearing the Curve Basix Straight Leg Pant and it comes in sizes 14-32! The are a nice, mid-weight, Spandex filled knit with a thick waistband. No rolling down. They are the bomb. You can find these plus size athletic wear pants online here. The top I have on is a super lightweight one, the Calla Pullover, and it comes in 14-28 and is available online here.
Now I want to talk about something that really bugged me this week. My scale. Before anyone chimes in——— YES I KNOW—- I am not going to be a scale chaser. That being said, it is important for me to have an understanding of how my body processes macronutrients in order for my Jedi and I to come up with the best, realistic long-term food plan for me. One that is based in REALITY and not unattainable force. And so I’ve been trying to weigh myself every day. And I’m not even going to pretend to lie—– it stinks. I don’t like being focussed on a number. But……………..when I do see a change, it serves as a reinforcement to me that I am making the kind of changes I want to make.
Let me also stop for one minute and address something. I’ve had a bunch of people message me and request/share their desire for me to follow the idea of being H.A.E.S aka Healthy At Every Size. I support this. I respect it. For me…. I know that my greater physical self exists in a body that is more free, more active and, yes, smaller than it is now. My journey is not here to take away from ANYONE ELSES journey. This is only my story, my feelings.
For me…. I know that my greater physical self exists in a body that is more free, more active and, yes, smaller than it is now. My journey is not here to take away from ANYONE ELSES journey. This is only my story, my feelings.
So back to my scale. For some reason, it doesn’t want to be reliable. I step on it once and it gives me one number. A second time (like 10 seconds after) and it varies by four pounds. A third time (like 10 seconds after that) and it jumps again. Basically, it is an unreliable bitch and I hate it. I hate it and I want to smash it through my walls. I have to find a more reliable solution. I should not hate to weigh myself. This should be a simple, factual part of my journey instead of being such a anxiety producing and non-reliable one. Arrrrgggh.
The last thing I want to talk about goes with the whole idea of me being wicked rigid. Since launching Greater At 40, Blake / Jedi has been instructing me to pay attention to my food macros. (As I type this I realize I probably need to do a huge overview post explaining what that means and why that’s the route I’m going—- note to self for me to try to give that to you in the next few weeks!) But to make a long, and soon to be more explained story shorter, the idea for me is to realistically adjust my eating. To not have food be my enemy in any way and to set me up for the long haul to not crave, not deprive myself and, hopefully, not binge eat stuff because I want it so bad. For the last few weeks I have eaten food that is so wildly different than I was doing last month…. and I was starting to crave chocolate ice cream. Like, slather myself in a tub of Haagen Dazs-level crave.
“So eat ice cream,” he said to me. I laughed. He told me again, to eat ice cream. Just…. do it in a small amount and make sure to add it into my nutritional tracking. His suggestion (duh) was just to get those mini cups they sell in the store. I scoffed at this. Mini cups? Bwahhaha I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF MINI CUPS OF ICE CREAM NOW GIVE ME MY PINT AND LET’S CALL IT A DAY! But no. Not now. That was then. Now… portion control.
Later that night in the store with my dad I found myself a box of those Magnum Mini bars which should really be named Heavenly Ice Cream Gifts from the Gods On A Stick because they are sooo good. In fact. So good, that the only comparison I can fairly give can be found in this scene from the cinematic achievement known as Magic Mike XXL when Andie Macdowell is looking at Big Dick Ritchie. Except, I’m Andie McDowell and the role of Big Dick Ritchie is played by Magnum Mini Ice Cream Bars. Like this…
In the words of Andie McDowell…. DAAAAAAAYYYYYUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
Behold. The most beautiful thing in the world…….
And on that note, I will conclude this weekly recap.
If you made it this far, THANK YOU for sticking around!! As always, please chime in below, I’d love to hear from you!